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Read this to get a perfect score on your eye exam.

(AFTER HOLIDAY NBA SALE -- UP TO 75% OFF: https://tinyurl.com/u4pr2rr)

[Originally published in January of 2009] 

I ran into an old friend, but don't worry, neither of us got hurt too badly. I'll just have to be more careful in the future...

A lot of people like to say that the "future is now," and those people are wrong because the future is actually tomorrow. Sometimes I ponder what it would be like to see into the future. Every time I would begin to tie my shoe, it would already be tied. More importantly, it would make my next optometrist appointment more interesting:

Doctor: Can you read the third line?
Me: On this chart or the one that will be here in twenty years?
Doctor: I'm getting a new chart in twenty years?
Me: Well, no, you'll be dead. But the guy replacing you is getting a new one.

Without this ability to look into the future, eye doctor appointments are not interesting enough because there is no possible way I can get a better result than …

Sometimes I talk to myself

Best Keurig® K-Cup® Fall Coffee Recipes!

I wrote this in 2003.  When all else fails, interview yourself.  At least you will know what not to ask, right?

2/4/03
I have recently become frustrated with something at doughnut establishments, and I'm not referring to the scones, although -- seriously -- just think about the writing possibilities if I were. Rather, it's the tip cup that bothers me...

To begin, I do realize that doughnut (or donut, take your pick) shops aren't the only places with these cups. But for the sake of this column, I need to be oblivious to all of the other ones in order to keep some sort of focus, so bear with me here...

Yogi: That's right, I am.

Smokey: Me too.

At any rate, my first question is what we are tipping when we contribute extra change, sometimes even dollar bills, into the doughnut tip cup. Is it the way the employees stretch to grab the lemon-filled that is so challenging, or is coffee pouring more of an art than I thought it was? The …

Know yourself (or at least your pizza)

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I wrote this in October of 2003.  A lot has happened since then, some of it involving pizza and wings.

10/21/03
I don't particularly mind ordering pizzas. In fact, sometimes I enjoy it. It's not the actual call that fascinates me, of course, but more so it's the knowledge that the call will soon turn itself into actual food. It is this transformation (phone call into food) that makes our country what it is today, and could also be responsible for the popularity in replacing the letter 'f' in words with 'ph,' such as in the sentence, "This is so phat, man." And, of course, in that particular example, the fatness -- or phatness -- may be a result of the pizza…

Nevertheless, my reason for this topic has nothing to do with any of this. Rather, I wanted to discuss the conversation I had the other day with the person on the other end of the pizza delivery process. Upon asking if they offered chicken as a topping, she replied, "I don't kno…