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Showing posts from August, 2017

A Conversation With My Car

I moved on from this car a year later.  Looking back, maybe this is why...

A Conversation with My Car
April 9, 2013

I really need to move on from the car that I've had for quite some time, but like a loyal friend, I refuse to let go.  In the past three months, though, my car has caused me to get major repairs to parts of the car that I didn't know existed until I brought it to a repair shop.  It is quite possible, in fact, that these parts were made up by the repairmen -- a sort of practical joke that is funny only to people who understand cars.  For example, I needed to get a new belt that connects my accelerator to my engine.  A belt, really?  Totally sounds made up...

Just recently, I had to get a new fuel pump.  There is no way that is a real thing either...

I just wish I had a way of knowing what my car really needed.  Like a good psychologist talking to a person in need of help, I have to dig beneath the surface to see what is really wrong, not what someone thinks is wro…

You Only live Once

I wrote this over five years ago, when people were saying, "YOLO" a lot.  I know some people who still say that, but those people are known as "dorks."  I don't know why they weren't dorks five years ago, too.

You Only Live Once
July 3, 2012

It's common knowledge that cats have nine lives, something that I have not been able to verify one way or the other considering how many cats look alike.  However, over the past few months, I've heard a lot that would tell me otherwise, in the form of four letters: YOLO...

YOLO could stand for a number of things.  It could, for example, stand for "Yaks originally landed offshore," which is an important way of informing people about the origin of yaks, regardless of whether that is true or not.  Or, it could stand for "Yard ornaments look outstanding," as a way of reminding everyone that one or two lawn gnomes, if placed properly, will do wonders for scaring away the local youth.  Finally, YOL…

Warped Speed

I wrote this column around ten years ago, and you know what?  Slow drivers are still pretty annoying.

Warped Speed:
October 30, 2007

I consider myself an average driver: I drive around ten miles over the speed limit and get annoyed by senior citizens who drive ten miles under.  Occasionally I will look at my speedometer just to confirm what I believe: "Yep, that person really is old," I sometimes tell myself. "Maybe I'll get lucky and she'll get pulled over by the 'slow police.'"

Unfortunately, the "slow police" doesn't exist, at least not yet. However, the only thing stopping this unit from existing is the fact that police forces all across the country do not want to pull slow people over.  It's just not exciting. And it's particularly not brag-worthy to go home after a long day of traffic work to say, "You should have seen it, honey.  This old guy was driving 20 and I somehow caught up to him and told him how slow he was…

Just Driving Thru

I originally wrote this column over a decade ago.  I'm pretty sure nothing has changed.

Drive-Thru Madness:
June 25, 2002

Over the past few years, I've made numerous comments about everything being "express."  That includes express lanes, express mail, express shins -- whatever.  The point of all of these forms is to make lives faster and, therefore, easier.  However, such was not the case while I was waiting in a drive-thru at McDonald's this evening.  In fact, the experience has encouraged me to review the procedure in order to determine who should -- and should not -- be allowed to use this privilege:

First off, people need to know that the drive-thru is not the only option.  You know, there once was a time when customers actually had to park their cars and walk inside the restaurant in order to get food.  Ah, it was a novel concept (much like a book), ranking up there with trying on shoes before purchasing and using a microwave for something other than popcor…

Nothing to see here.

Well, technically, there is something.

But not much.