You Only live Once

I wrote this over five years ago, when people were saying, "YOLO" a lot.  I know some people who still say that, but those people are known as "dorks."  I don't know why they weren't dorks five years ago, too.

You Only Live Once
July 3, 2012

It's common knowledge that cats have nine lives, something that I have not been able to verify one way or the other considering how many cats look alike.  However, over the past few months, I've heard a lot that would tell me otherwise, in the form of four letters: YOLO...

YOLO could stand for a number of things.  It could, for example, stand for "Yaks originally landed offshore," which is an important way of informing people about the origin of yaks, regardless of whether that is true or not.  Or, it could stand for "Yard ornaments look outstanding," as a way of reminding everyone that one or two lawn gnomes, if placed properly, will do wonders for scaring away the local youth.  Finally, YOLO could stand for "Yawn often, laugh occasionally" to tell people that it is important to fake boredom during stand-up acts...

The more common meaning of YOLO, "You only live once," was probably said by thousands of people for thousands of years, going back to the days of stone tablets when cavemen would carve it into walls.  None of this matters, though, because it took the song "The Motto" by Canadian rapper Drake for Americans to see how wise this statement was.  In looking up the exact lyric -- "You only live once, that's the motto," followed by an expletive -- I see how eloquently stated those words are, especially when followed by the next line of wisdom: "We bout it every day, every day, every day."  Truthfully, I felt lost in life until I saw those words.  Now I want to join the rest of the world in using #YOLO at the end of every Tweet and in yelling the acronym out of my car window, especially while at red lights...

Knowing that I can only live once, thanks to Drake, there are a few things I now realize I need to do:

1. Come up with an acronym considerably better than YOLO.  This should not be difficult, as any random combination of letters should do the trick here, like KRFP.  People can come up with their own meanings for what those letters stand for, or they can wait for Drake or some other Canadian rapper to enlighten us at some point in the next decade.

2. Get my name mentioned in a Drake lyric.  Imagine how much deeper and wiser I will seem if someone as wise as Drake raps something about me, especially if followed by the words, "We bout it every day, every day, every day," and then I would join in the rap by yelling, "Yeah, that's right, that's right!"

3. Convince people that YOLO is actually "Rolo" mispelled.  Since Rolo are chocolate-covered caramels, which are so, like, 1983, eventually people will get tired of the word and go back to using other words and phrases that are equally as unwise, like "It is what it is." YOLO will then be retired until fifty years from now when people say to their grandchildren, "When I was your age, we knew we only lived once.  Nowadays people don't get that."

Once I accomplish all of the goals above, I will be ready to move on to my next life -- or at least the next stage of it -- as a Canadian rapper, when I will rap about all things Canadian, like bacon and the Canadian flag and bacon-covered flags and hockey. I'll be best known by the wise acronyms I create, like HELLO: "Hey everyone, let's love others." I look forward to the fan following...

But I digress.


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