I wrote this about curling (so that you can read this about curling)

I wrote this four years ago about curling.  Hey, if I don't copy and paste this now, I may as well wait four years.  Here goes:


I've tried a few different times to understand curling.  I bought a bag of cheese curls.  I found a bunch of those bugs that curl up into balls and tried to teach them right from wrong.  I even did what most people do when they need information: I used Wikipedia, which told me in its first line, "Curling is a sport in which players slide stones across a sheet of ice towards a target area which is segmented into four concentric rings."  Although I understand each of those words individually, I am having trouble figuring out the connection between those words and "sport."  I mean, by these standards, shouldn't ring toss be an Olympic sport?  Or how about horeshoes?  What makes these different from curling?

Of course there are people reading this column who will claim to understand curling, but there is a nickname for those people: liars.  The world is, in fact, separated into two groups of people: 1) people who do not understand curling and 2) no one.  After watching some curling match-ups/games/events/bouts -- otherwise known as "research -- I have begun to formulate a few curling certainties:

1. One person hurls a stone across ice, just as one would throw a bowling ball.  However, the person does not let go of the stone, which I assume is an accident.  "Should I let go?" I think I heard one curler ask another.  "I'm not sure, I'm only on this Olympic team because I raised my hand," I think another replied.

2. There are different rounds to curling, similar to innings in baseball.  At some point, someone sings, "Take Me Out to the Ballgame -- Please," which is more of a cry for help to get out of the curling event than it is an actual song.

3. After a stone is hurled, there is always someone yelling in some indistinguishable manner in the background.  This is really the only thing that differentiates curling from chess.  If people start yelling out, "Checkmate that, come on.  You can do it, checkmate it," then I will have to assume that curling is literally chess on ice.

4. Brooms are a major part of curling, which is why I'm pretty sure curling is not a sport.  I mean, I swept my kitchen floor yesterday and I considered myself more of a cleaner than an athlete.  If using a broom makes someone an athlete, then I can't imagine what that means for people who rake.

5. Some countries are traditionally better than others at curling.  I'm not really sure how that happens.  I think that is like one country being better than another at penmanship or at setting a table.

From the time I have spent watching curling in the Winter Olympics, I cannot offer any information other than what I have just provided.  That's okay, though: I will move on with my uninformed self until 2018 because I just know that 2018 will be the year when I really, truly, definitely understand curling.  It is also the year I plan on interrupting chess matches with a broom...

But I digress.

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