The College Checklist: September 23, 2014

The College Checklist
September 23, 2014
At this time of the year, many high school seniors are narrowing down their college choices in order to figure out where they want to spend four, five or six years of their lives.  Some are able to narrow their choices with ease, especially those with parents who tell them, “You don’t have a choice. You need to apply to my alma mater because I was a big deal there.  Also, stop kicking the dog.” 

Others, however, don’t know how to choose from the seemingly limitless options of higher education.  That’s why I thought I would step in with a checklist that can help -- that is, will help -- a student narrow a list of 5,000 into a list of 5 in no time:

Location: Does it matter to you where the school is located?  Would it be cool if, for example, you take classes from the laptop in your kitchen?  If so, apply to an online college.  If not, apply somewhere a little bit farther, like the college down the street or a college in Idaho that serves three different kinds of mashed potatoes in the dining halls (see food).

Size: Do you want to feel assured that you could fart in a lecture hall cand no one will associate you with that action for the rest of your life – ie: do you want to escape the possibility of being called “that dude who farted” for four years?  If so, apply somewhere where your peers will forget about you the next day.  Otherwise, consider a smaller school where everybody knows your name.

Food: If your diet consists of nothing but sushi -- or if you have mafia connections -- choose a school that can accommodate you or choose one close to a body of water so that you can fend for yourself.  Like potatoes?  Well, the choice is easy here.

Spirit: If you’re a pessimist who likes to complain, find a school with losing teams.  That way, you will never have to worry about showing your cheerful side.  If, however, you would like to feel a part of something bigger – to feel connected to the campus as a proud member of its community – definitely, and this is important here, do not apply to an online college.

Housing: If you’re interested in living in the same area in which you take your classes, then apply to a school that I told you not to apply to above.  If you’re looking to live in an igloo for four years, apply to a school in an arctic area in which penguins serve as resident assistants.  Think no such school exists?  Yeah, like I would really joke around about Penguin University in Anchorage, Alaska.  Look it up.

Academics: Do you want this?  If so, choose a college whose motto is written in Latin and not one whose motto is written in Pig Latin.  The more Latin the motto is, the better the school is.
Colors: Don’t want a whole new wardrobe?  Then choose a college with the same school colors as everything you already own.

I hope this list helps you to choose schools that fit your needs.  Now all you have to do is apply, then wait, then maybe apply again, and then eventually pick a school.  This is even more exciting than it sounds...

But I digress.


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